Setting Boundaries With Extended Family During the Holidays After Divorce

James Chau
18 hours ago
3 min read

Woman in a cozy robe holds a mug, sits in a chair by a lamp. Lit Christmas tree in the background. Warm, serene atmosphere.

The first holiday season after a divorce or separation can feel tender in ways that catch you off guard. Even when you’re doing your best to move forward, extended family can unintentionally stir up emotions you weren’t prepared for. Questions, assumptions, invitations, expectations—it’s a lot. And none of it means you’re doing anything wrong. It simply means you’re human.

You Don’t Owe Anyone an Explanation

Most family members mean well, but their curiosity can land in the middle of wounds that are still healing. You may hear: - “So… what really happened?” - “Did you try to fix things?” - “Are you sure this is the right choice for the kids?”

You do not owe anyone answers, details, or emotional labor. A gentle boundary can sound like:

“I’m focusing on moving forward, and I’m keeping the details private.”

“I appreciate your concern, but I’m not discussing the divorce right now.”

You’re allowed to protect your heart. Privacy is not avoidance—it’s self-respect.

Choose What You Can Emotionally Handle

Your capacity may look different this year, and that’s okay. Large gatherings, high-energy events, or emotionally charged environments may feel overwhelming.

You can shorten your visits. You can opt out entirely. You can redefine what togetherness means for you.

A kind, honest boundary might be:

“I’m keeping things simple this year, but I’m sending love to everyone.”

“I’ll stop by for a bit, but I’m giving myself plenty of space this season.”

Your time is not a performance. You get to choose what feels safe.

Protect Your Children From Emotional Pressure

Sometimes, extended family—without realizing it—can put kids in the middle of adult conversations. Comments like “Do you miss having both parents together?” or “Tell me how you really feel” can create confusion or guilt.

A gentle reminder can go a long way:

“We’re keeping things light for the kids this year. Please help us make the holiday feel calm and positive for them.”

Kids don’t need complicated explanations. They need warmth, structure, and reassurance—and those come from you.

Make Room for New Rhythms and Traditions

Loss changes traditions, but it also creates space for new ones. You don’t need to force holiday cheer or pretend everything is normal. Instead, follow what feels grounded:

A cozy movie night
A walk to see holiday lights
A quiet dinner with someone who feels safe
A moment alone with your favorite music or journal
Volunteering or giving back

Traditions are meant to evolve as you do.

Accept Support When It’s Offered

Letting people show up for you is an act of strength, not weakness. Sometimes support looks like a meal dropped at your door. Sometimes it’s a friend who sits with you in comfortable silence. Sometimes it’s simply someone reminding you that you’re not alone.

Healing is not meant to be done in isolation.

Your Boundaries Are Legitimate

One of the hardest parts of boundary-setting is the fear of disappointing people. But the truth is simple: your boundaries don’t require anyone else’s approval. They exist to protect your peace, your healing, and your emotional energy.

This holiday season might not look like years past, but it still has room for small moments of grounding, connection, and meaning. You are creating something new—one steady, intentional step at a time.

If you’re navigating family changes and need guidance or support, The Law Office of James Chau is here to help with understanding and care.